Monday, 18 November 2013

the shadow of shame

Time waits for no one
Seasons change I know
Now I have to find
A way to let go

These are the lyrics for a song I wrote a few years back. These are the lyrics that mark a transition in my life. These are the lyrics of learning the lesson of letting go. The road to letting go is a difficult road to walk but it's the most rewarding. Because what's waiting for you at the end… is freedom…

Last week, I processed a turbulence within my heart with a trusted mentor. To be honest with you, and without revealing all the gory details, I had been struggling to let go of my attachment to a situation that I should never have been involved in. Yes, I had worked through forgiveness and had moved on but I was left with a feeling that I couldn't quite name. It felt like guilt. But guilt is a feeling that arises from having done wrong, and I reasonably knew that no part of the situation was my fault; in fact, I had done everything right. My trusted mentor exposed the lie operating in my life; this feeling was not guilt, this feeling was shame. 

Shame taints the glass through which you see yourself. Shame touches the core of who you are and underscores the lie that you should be ashamed of who you are - that you are not enough; that you are somehow wrong.

For me, the shame spiral started with, It's my fault, which led to, I'm responsible, I deserve this, and finished at, I'm not enough. Because I've been walking down this road of letting go for a few years now, I was able to recognise that believing this lie and carrying the weight of shame did not serve me. But this lie had been operating in my life for many years since childhood. And so, my trusted mentor lead me through the process of breaking this lie in my life. We prayed, and we asked God to speak to my heart - to the core of my being - and to replace this lie with the truth.

In the moment where I invited God in to speak this is what His voice spoke to my heart… Brooke, you are an oak of righteousness. I have planted you. You have been trying to cover your shame. But I cover you. 

The revelation that God covers me freed me. I was trying to cover myself; to make myself righteous before God. But the beautiful thing about redemption is that Jesus covers me because of the Cross. He took my shame upon Himself and He made the road to letting go into a road to freedom via the highway of salvation.

God sent His Son, Jesus, for this… 
to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1,3; NIV).
Shame is exhausting; freedom is energising. My prayer is that you would be released from shame and come find shelter under the cover of the God who loves you and who never leaves you… under the cover of the God who makes all things new.

You wash anew
Like a spring rain
Restore my heart
Come heal the pain

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