saying yes to saying no

In the last few years I have relearnt the importance of saying the word "no". Like a wannabe toddler I've flexed my "no" muscle many times over and strengthened my ability to say, and mean, "NO!".  Often this has been to the disapproval of others, which is pretty much the main reason why I developed the self-destructive habit of always saying "yes" in the first place; I didn't want to let anyone down! But, I have come to understand that if I don't say "no" to some things, I will not be able to say "yes" to anything...

Now this may sound all reverse psychology to you, but to me this is a new way of thinking and living. After my diagnosis with ME/CFS I was forced to make changes in basically every area of my life. In order to aid my recovery process I decided I would make my life choices based on saying "yes" to the things that helped make me better and "no" to the things that made my condition worse. Along the way this has meant that I have had to give things up and turn things down. I've lost friends, quit jobs and moved on from places. But here is the beautiful thing about loss; it makes room in your life for the new. For all the loss I have also gained. And in gaining through loss, I appreciate the gain I have received even more. It has more value to me because of the pain and sacrifice of the loss that I had to endure.

In saying "no" I have found my voice. And I use my voice to set boundaries around who I am. Cloud and Townsend write this:

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom ... Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not "own" my life, my choices and options become very limited.

Boundaries are not walls; boundaries are fences with gates. With boundaries I can keep the good in my life and keep the bad out. In saying "no" to the bad I am being freed up to say "yes" to the good. With boundaries, I am no longer so limited by my circumstances; I am becoming empowered despite them.

I can now make choices without feeling guilty. I may no longer be in a season of saying "no" all the time but then I don't need to be. Through saying "no" I have established boundaries that are strong enough to allow me to say "yes" to the things that help move my life forward. Through a disabling circumstance I have realised that I am more able than I thought. And though I will still be flexing and strengthening my "no" muscle, I'm looking forward to a season of saying "yes". But, as I have come to understand, there will always be value in saying "yes" to saying "no".